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Tuesday 12 June 2018

Long time , no post.
Today I read a post on a blog I read and felt prompted to write this as  a reply:

Thankyou for your post. I've suffered from the black dog fr as long as I can remember too. Those that don't understand an sound heartless, but I've learnt that it;s usually fear and/or ignorance that makes them react the way they do. Sometimes there is no rhyme nor reason for the depression apart from a chemical imbalance, sometimes it's reactive as you say.
"This too , shall pass" is a really good mantra to have in my case. It gives me something to hold on to at my low points. I used to feel guilty about being on meds, but once read a book by someone I really admired but had no clue that she suffered from depression. She got so low that she once walked out of work and signed herself straight into a pychiatric hopital because she didn't think she would make it through th next day if she didn't!  After 2 months she was discharged. She learnt that she might never be free of the depression but learnt how to manage it better. She also realised that she may be on medication for the rest of her life, learnt't not to feel guilty about it and to look after herself better.
After 2 suicide attempts and the guilt I carried for being on permanent meds, I decided to take a leaf out of her book and can happily say that it was the best thing I've done, After all, if I was on life saving meds for another reason, I wouldn't feel guilty about taking those!
Could you see if your health authority offers Counselling or CBT. Every so often I refer myself to them in Birmingham and have found it helps quite abit.
Pleae don't feel guilty for being depressed, its as much a part of you as your diabetes is. Take what ever help you can, look after yourself, celebrate the good days & remember "This too shall pass.
Hugs and best wishes from Birmingham.

My depression was first diagnosed when I was in my twenties. I was an Army wife, along way from home & desperate to start a family, when I broke down in the Doctors office. I was handed a bottle of pills and told to go home and rest and go back in 2 weeks. This I did but by this time things were a lot worse and I was admitted to hospital.
I was in a comfortable room,on the 5th floor. I had a nurse with me 24/7 for the 10 days I was in there because the Doctors thought I was a danger to myself. (I had already made 1 suicide attempt when I was 19). The nursing staff were brilliant, the doctors less so.To them , I was a nuisance, an inconvienience, (this was in the days when army wives and families were still considered "excess baggage. You had to give your husbands army number to get an appointment! Thankfully things have now changed - alot!) I was discharged with another bottle of pills and told to "report back to the med centre every fortnight" which I did but it was a joke. No counselling , just another bottle of pills and see you next time.
Fast forward 2 years to January 1988/ The regiment was away on exercise and I was alone with a 10 week old baby. The C.O's wife came to visit, as she did, every wife, when the men were away. I answered the door in a milk soaked nightie and not liking what she saw, made me get washed and dressed, carted me off to the hospital where Kyle was born. I cried all the way there  and all the time I was in the Doctors room. She had pulled strings to get me in to see this doctor, who was lovely but who I was convinced was going to take my baby away from me.
He was not convinced that this was just "Baby Blues". After assessing me and reading my medical history, he told me that I was suffering from serious depression and the traumatic birth of my son had made it worse (3 day labour & emergency C-section). He arranged counselling for me, arranged for my husband to come back early from exercise and put me on mild medication, enabling me to still feed the baby. Turns out his wife had been through the same experience with Army Doctors and even though he was an Army doctor, he was tying to change the system from within.

Depression did not sit well with my first husband, who kept telling me to "pull myself together" , that there was nothing wrong with me & I'd only had a baby after all! That marriage didn't last much longer needless to say. The final straw was when he flushed my Meds down the loo because he thought I was too dependant on them.

For a long while I was on meds, battling to come off them because I felt so guilty about needing them. I did have months , even years off them,but denying myself the benefit of them because of guilt and wanting to be normal. Eventually I became so unwell and depressed that I was off work for 6 months at a time, several times.  My Doctor arranged Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Counselling sessions and a brilliant Community Psychiatric Nurse who visited me weekly for nearly a year. He also arranged some appointments with a Psychiatrist who took the time to explain what my depression was and was not. which helped me understand myself and my symptoms better. I suffer from Clinical Deppression occasionally becoming Manic/ Bipolar Depression. It can also be Re-active Depression brought on by events or unsolved issues.
I learned how to look after myself better, physically & mentally. Saying No was, and still is at times, very difficult but if I don't look after me, I can't be any help to others.

I'm so grateful for our NHS.  They are overworked, understaffed and underpaid but they are the only reason I'm still here and I would urge anyone who needs help to find out what their local Mental Health Trust can offer. It may take time to access the service but it is so worth it.

I'm now married again & OH is so supportive because he's been there, done that. We help each other on the bad days and the good. The good days outnumber the bad. I tell myself frequently "This too shall pass", sometimes not as quick as I would like, but it does go. I also tell myself daily that the 2 pills I take are so worth it because it's true. They keep me on an even keel and enable to live my life, not just cope with it but really live it.

I really hope my story helps some-one to get help if they need to.

God Bless

Saturday 9 August 2014

Just a quick update

I'be been very lax about posting on here lately.
OH is still out of work. He has been very serious about his job hunting, applying for over 40 vacancies so far & has interviews for about 15. Each time he has had feedback from the interviews, who tell him that he was in the top 2 or 3, but he,s always pipped at the post.
OH has now  begun the demoralizing process of claiming jobseekers allowance, which he had hoped to avoid.
Please keep him in your thoughts, he does get down at times.

Monday 23 June 2014

Oh Pooh, not again!

My OH is unemployed yet again.

 OH had a hearing about all the time he was signed off last year, with stress, due to the amount of time his disciplinary hearing took, (over 9 months& then it was thrown out, with no case to answer) this morning and he lost.
 Basically they listened to what he and the union rep had to say & took no notice & he was dismissed straight away & has no grounds for appeal because they did everything by the letter.
I had a niggly feeling about it all, but was hoping that I was wrong, so the next few days will be spent having a rejig & a rethink of all things frugal & financial. Feel a bit winded at the mo, but will bounce back as usual.

He has 2 interviews this week already and has applied for another 7 jobs since coming home. I hope he will be successful sooner rather than later.

Wednesday 4 June 2014

Relaxing Day

This was Max having fun in the garden whilst the sun was out.
After such a lovely day yesterday, the weather has gone all scottish on us today, all grey, drizzly & driech.
Put washing on and then helped MIL move fridge and clean behind it & change the light bulb in it.
Whenever we come up here, I usually bring some sewing with me or do any mending or sewing that the in-laws need doing for days such as this.
It's been a relaxing sort of day really and I've been content to stay close to home, doing what needs to be done at a relaxing pace, instead of charging about the countryside like a maddy, which is what we usually do when we are up here. An ordinary day really, just in different surroundings. 

Tuesday 3 June 2014

On my Holidays & a couple of finished projects

Hello again,
We are on our holidays in sunny Kilmarnock for a wee while. It is  both OH's parents birthdays this week and we always try to get up here for that.
Ayrshire is looking glorious today. it has been sunny and warm and beautiful blue skies. Yesterday was grey & driech. the Isle of  Aran & Ailsa Craig were nowhere to be seen. Today, driving back from Ayr, they were both revealed in all their glory.

A quiet week so far, as after travelling any distance in the car, I can hardly move for about 24 hours afterwards, so Sunday, I was doped up on pain killers and asleep most of the time.
Yesterday I went food shopping with MiL & met up with a friend from Darvel for a coffee. We spent a good couple of hours putting the world to rights.

Today we went to Morrison's for breakfast, then we went to Dobbies in Ayr, to look at the Cotton Traders outlet as it is one of the few places that have clothes large enough to fit my OH. He brought nothing, but I got a new dress.

The photo's below are of a knitted jacket that I have just finished and a card for my FIL for Fathers day. Hope that you like them both.

Friday 2 May 2014


This a 40th Birthday card for a friends partner. She say's that the nearer his birthday get, the more he resembles the Gnome!

I really enjoy making cards and hope to put some of the Fathers day cards on later.

Hope you like this one.

Monday 28 April 2014

This is my Rainbow

Your rainbow is intensely shaded brown, violet, and yellow.


What is says about you: You are a deep thinking person. You appreciate optimism. You're good at getting people to like you. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.

Find the colors of your rainbow at

Don't know how true it is - Perhaps some-one who knows me could confirm it please?